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Good evening.

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It's wonderful to be back with you
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, indeed it

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And in a packed programme tonight, we
were to have met Elasto, the India

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man, but unfortunately this afternoon he
slid down the banisters and erased

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himself.

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And later in the show, we will be having
a live link -up with Britain's rudest

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doctor, direct from his Harley Street
insulting rooms.

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But first, the news. Hamilton
Breakspear, the heavyweight boxer who's

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knocked out in every fight in his
career, was admitted to hospital today

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suffering from a cauliflower bottom.

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And news tonight that the army junior
leader's expedition to Borneo has

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a sad depletion of numbers.

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Cannibals have already had three hard
-boiled sergeants, two half -baked

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corporals and a raw recruit.

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The anonymous pools winner who fainted
at the news of his giant win and fell

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into a vat of plaster of Paris is today
said to be set for life.

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Colonel Bill Lomax, the world's greatest
elephant tracker, was buried today. In

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future, he's decided not to follow so
close behind the elephant.

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And finally, Andy McGowan, the sailor
whose family kept a light burning for

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in the window for 30 years, returned
home to Perth today to one of the

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electricity bills ever seen.

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And now a sketch about a hiking holiday
in the Lake District in which I go with

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a girl who works in Bristol and has a
large pair of boots.

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And I go with a girl who works in boots.

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And has a large map of the area.

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You and your friends want to get in the
council house. You have to have all the

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details, you see. Oh, yes. Otherwise,
you'll get... There's five of you at the

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moment living in the one -bed seat? Oh,
yes, there are. There are two.

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Only we get a lot of people in here, you
know, with fictitious names and funny

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occupations. You've got to be ever so
careful.

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Oh, yes, yes. Well, I've got them all
down here, you see. All right, then.

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have all their full names then. Who is
the first then?

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Junior. Junior.

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He's the youngest, is he? No, no, that's
his name, Junior.

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Oh, yes. Well, what's his first name?

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Tammy, well, Tammy.

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Tammy Junior, yes. Is that his full
name? No, no, he's got a middle name.

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David.

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Sammy Davis, Jr.? What, Sammy Davis, Jr.
wants a council house?

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Well, a flat will do.

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Tell me, what's he like?

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Oh, he's a very tall blonde bloke with
black hair.

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Doesn't tap dance, does he? No, no, no,
no, no, no. He wouldn't be any trouble.

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Stuart.

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Surname?

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How do you mean?

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Surname, you know, like, you know,
Granger. Stuart Granger, for example.

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yes, that's it, yes, yes.

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Guess what? That's his name, yes.

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What, you're telling me his name's
Stuart Granger? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

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not a film star, no. No, he's just
playing Stuart.

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Oh, yeah, Rob Stuart.

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Now, see, what's his occupation?

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Singer. Ah, singer.

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Sewing machines. He repairs them.

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Next. Taylor.

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Taylor.

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First name?

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George. Oh, it's a nice easy one this
time, isn't it? George Taylor.

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No, no, no, no. His name's not Taylor.
He is a Taylor.

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Oh.

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All right. He's a Taylor and his name is
George. Yes. George what?

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Gershwin.

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George Gershwin. That's right, yes.

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Taylor.

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Next. Howard.

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Howard. Yes.

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What's this going to be?

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Frankie or Trevor or something else? No,
no, no, no, no, no. Just Howard.

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Howard. Howard Hughes.

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You're telling me that's his real name?
No, no, that's not his real name.

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Well, why does he call himself Howard
Hughes? Well, he wants people to think

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he's rich, you see. Oh, I see. What is
his real name? Getty. Paul Getty.

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Don't tell me his occupation is oil.

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Yes, it is. Yes, he drives a tanker.

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Any more?

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Only me.

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My name is Irish, so I'd better spell
it. All right. It's F -I -N -A -T -R -A.

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That's pronounced Sinatra.

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I know how to pronounce Sinatra, don't
I? You see, I suppose your first name

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begins with F, does it? Yes, it does,
yes, it does, yes. Fred.

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Fred Sinatra. Now, I'm very proud of
that name, you know, because that is

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of a very famous film star's name, that
is. Oh, you don't say. I wonder who that

84
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could be. Fred Astaire.

85
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Fred Sinatra. Yes, all right, I see
that. All right, Mr. Sinatra, we'll let

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know as soon as a counterhouse becomes
available. Oh, thanks very much. Who

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should I contact, should there be any
queries?

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Me. Oh, what's your name? Hope.

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Hope? Oh, Bob?

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No.

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Yes?

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Give up. That's it. Give up, Hope? Yes,
that's it.

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My name is Hector Walnut Plates, but you
can call me Sir Hector Walnut.

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I often lose my place.

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In fact, you can call me Sir Hector, as
I've just had a sir -hectomy.

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And I've lost my remaining walnut.

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Now, I represent the Council of
Knowledge, Enterprise and Universal

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COCUP.

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Now, what is COCUP for? Well, we exist
to plan things. Our job is to approach

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everyday objects and institutions that
are working perfectly well.

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and completely redesign them.

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This keeps millions of otherwise useless
people in a job, and you, the public,

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benefit.

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Here, for example, over here, is our new
experimental traffic system for London.

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Now, Oxford Street here, Oxford Street
will be one way northwards, Downing

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Street will be one way southwards, and
Upping Street will be two ways

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Heathrow will become Rottenrow, which
should cause quite a stink.

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However, that will be dealt with when
Gatwick becomes Airwick.

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mean, of course, that all air traffic
will be tremendously well stacked.

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Speaking of tremendously well stacked,
here is a tourist map of my secretary,

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Miss Wanda Knightley, showing the main
points of interest.

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She only knows one way southwards and 64
ways east to west.

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Well, back to the drawing board.

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Ah, back to the drawing board. That's 65
ways. I'd forgotten that one.

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have decided that we get more efficiency
if we link up certain pairs of

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institutions. For instance, Guy's
Hospital will join up with the Dolls

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to form Guys and Dolls.

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Kensington Evening Institute will join
Mincing Lane for an after -eight mince.

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And St Thomas's will join St John the
Divine to make a divine John Thomas.

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Now, we haven't reorganised the counties
for at least a year, so we're going to

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have another crack at them.

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Now then, for instance, this...

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I'm

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sorry, I've been rather overworking
lately.

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Now, Yorkshire... Yorkshire... Yorkshire
will join Cornwall to form Corkshire

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and Yornwall.

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join Dorset to make Dented Corset.

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And finally, Flint and Bucks will get
together to make one county called

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Naturally Blint.

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Well, I hear you say that's all very
little and large, but what are we chaps

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Coker going to do about architecture?
Well, let me unveil some of our latest

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plans. Now, we've had a lot of
complaints about tower blocks.

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People say they'd rather live in
cottages, so here's our solution.

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The ten -storey cottage.

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Here's the privy in the garden.

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And this.

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The only trouble is you have to stand on
the seat to pull the chain.

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We also aim to make buildings fit in
with their location. Here, for example,

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the new sandwich town hall.

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And here is the leak post office.

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Oh, and here we have park.

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Only part. I'm afraid of the Hampton
Court, the AT office.

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Unfortunately, we're not allowed to show
you the rest of it.

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No, no, it doesn't end there. It doesn't
end there. Nothing is too small for our

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attention. We are going to redesign all
the familiar everyday objects.

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Now, here, for instance, is our new
unbreakable glass. Look at that.

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We're now working on the unbreakable
hammer.

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of imaginative design.

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Now, look at this revolutionary hair,
this revolutionary telephone and carafe.

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There you are. Ah, excuse me.

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Hello?

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Yes? Oh, I see, Wanda. Yes, thank you
very much. Yes, that was Wanda, my

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secretary, reminding me it's time to
take my tablet. Yes.

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On second thoughts, I'll take it later
after I've had my leak.

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Now, our boffins never rest.

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from the task of improving your lives.

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Now, over here, you will see a nice
little beauty here. This is the very

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word in mousetraps. Now, it costs less
than £5 ,000 and consists of an

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electronic field detector here and an
ultra -sensitive photometer here and a

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high -voltage laser gun there, you see.
So the mouse comes in through this

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little hole here and goes through there
and under there and finds the bait,

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which is a tiny piece of British rail
pork pie, which, of course, it eats.

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it dies, so you don't need the laser
gun.

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Unfortunately, the hole for the mouse is
rather too small, but we are working on

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that. We are redesigning the mouse.

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That's what it's going to look like.

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Sorry,

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that's the mouse dropping.

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There it is. If you have any
suggestions, do call in anywhere you see

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You can't miss it. It's 100 feet high.
That's right. It's an almighty coke -up.

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Good night.

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The Manhattan Transfer.

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On a little street in Singapore

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With me beside a lotus

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covered door A veil

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of moonlight on a lovely face

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How pale the hands that held me in

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embrace

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00:12:14,030 --> 00:12:18,810
My sails tonight are filled with perfume
of shalom.

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With temple bells that guide me to the
shore.

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And then I hold you in my arms and love
the way I love

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before.

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On a little street in Singapore.

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Thank you.

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00:14:38,300 --> 00:14:42,700
This week's special offer is our own
friend's butter, 48 pence per pound.

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Yes, it is. I was just going over this
grating near the ghost train when

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suddenly my dress blew up.

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What, exploded?

189
00:14:50,810 --> 00:14:54,810
No, actually not exploded. No, the draft
blew me straight right over my head.

190
00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:57,009
Oh, that must have been very
frightening.

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00:14:57,010 --> 00:14:58,029
Well, I think it was.

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00:14:58,030 --> 00:14:59,570
Nearly scared the pants off me.

193
00:15:00,350 --> 00:15:02,210
Well, I thought I might be recognised.

194
00:15:02,211 --> 00:15:05,429
Who would recognise you to hear your
dress over your head?

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00:15:05,430 --> 00:15:06,630
Except that's a Coleman.

196
00:15:07,970 --> 00:15:09,290
I wonder where it come from.

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00:15:09,730 --> 00:15:10,780
Oh, it got in the sale.

198
00:15:11,260 --> 00:15:12,640
No, no, not the dressing.

199
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:16,650
Oh, the drama. They always have that
sort of thing at fun fairs, don't they?

200
00:15:16,651 --> 00:15:20,099
It's supposed to add to the jollity,
isn't it? You ought to take George

201
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:21,150
Mark came going.

202
00:15:21,151 --> 00:15:24,719
Wish this queue would get going, dear.
It's awfully slow. It's more than

203
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:28,080
tedious. I'm very worried, you know,
dear, about George's liver.

204
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,660
Oh, dear. Has he been up the doctors
with it?

205
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,160
No, it's in the oven.

206
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,660
Let George go, dear, in bed.

207
00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:36,070
Same old trouble.

208
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,840
Laziness. No, his stomach, dear.

209
00:15:39,460 --> 00:15:42,520
Somebody told him you can die of
indigestion. Oh, dear.

210
00:15:42,980 --> 00:15:44,540
I bet that put the wind up him.

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00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:47,870
I'll keep him well out of the way until
he blows over.

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00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:49,660
Go on, we're going. Oh, yes.

213
00:15:49,661 --> 00:15:52,899
I wonder if we're in the right queue.
You know what we ought to have done,

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00:15:52,900 --> 00:15:54,160
Yes, brought sandwiches.

215
00:15:54,161 --> 00:15:58,279
No, we ought to have got George and Sid
to do the shopping for us, dear. Yes,

216
00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:01,319
why can't they be like other men? Why
can't they be that nice man like that,

217
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,630
look, with a beard? Look at him. He was
clean -shaven when he came in.

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00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:08,639
You know... What Sid said to me one day
when I asked him to do a little bit of

219
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,459
shopping. Do you know what he said to
me?

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00:16:10,460 --> 00:16:12,140
Aerosols. Well, you're very close.

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00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:16,940
No, dear, I've got to get an aerosol for
George Payne, you know, something.

222
00:16:16,941 --> 00:16:19,519
Oh, have you? Oh, yes. You sound a bit
off -centre, dear.

223
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:22,419
No, not off -centre. He's just messing
about with the legs of the cyborg, you

224
00:16:22,420 --> 00:16:24,519
know, touching them up and things. Oh,
dear.

225
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:25,960
Sounds a bit off -centre to me.

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00:16:26,740 --> 00:16:27,790
Oh, dear.

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00:16:27,791 --> 00:16:34,329
Oh, dear, I hope you're not going to be
long here, dear. Why? I want to go

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00:16:34,330 --> 00:16:36,949
somewhere. Oh, do you? For your
holidays. What are you thinking of this

229
00:16:36,950 --> 00:16:40,830
You're on the holidays, dear. Now, I
want to be the lady. Is there a place

230
00:16:41,110 --> 00:16:43,580
Oh. Oh, well, there's the commissar.
Let's ask him.

231
00:16:43,730 --> 00:16:45,530
Excuse me. Oh, that's good. Oh.

232
00:16:45,810 --> 00:16:48,790
Is there a place in here, dear? Of
course there is, madam.

233
00:16:49,310 --> 00:16:50,360
On the fish counter.

234
00:16:51,570 --> 00:16:53,190
Give me that. Can't boil you there.

235
00:16:53,670 --> 00:16:57,280
No, we don't mean that. I mean, we want
to be... Is there a ladies, do you know?

236
00:16:57,281 --> 00:16:58,989
Oh, well, it's quite a queue, love.

237
00:16:58,990 --> 00:17:00,040
How big is it?

238
00:17:00,790 --> 00:17:02,290
Normal size, sixth one.

239
00:17:03,210 --> 00:17:05,109
I hope you're giving paps off.

240
00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:08,279
You've all found I'm going to spend a
penny.

241
00:17:08,750 --> 00:17:10,930
This queue, dear, where is it?

242
00:17:10,931 --> 00:17:12,269
You're in it.

243
00:17:12,270 --> 00:17:13,320
Oh, dear.

244
00:17:13,430 --> 00:17:14,510
I don't even want to go.

245
00:17:15,710 --> 00:17:16,790
Yeah, all right, then.

246
00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:39,820
Oh, cool. Come in. What's the matter
with you? Come in.

247
00:17:40,410 --> 00:17:42,970
How are you, George?

248
00:17:43,270 --> 00:17:44,320
Oh, I'm not so well.

249
00:17:44,910 --> 00:17:46,630
I've got a whole limp of wobbly.

250
00:17:48,090 --> 00:17:54,250
Yeah, Ede was telling me, yeah. Have
you, uh... Have you seen my crash

251
00:17:54,310 --> 00:17:55,690
George? Your crash helmet?

252
00:17:55,691 --> 00:17:58,509
Yeah, I must have left it here when I
came to visit you earlier on today.

253
00:17:58,510 --> 00:18:01,689
Is that all you can think about, your
crash helmet, when your poor old mate's

254
00:18:01,690 --> 00:18:05,419
his last knockings? Well, that crash
helmet... cost me ten pounds, didn't it?

255
00:18:05,420 --> 00:18:05,999
You know that?

256
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:09,919
Oh, very worried, Sid. I mean, the
doctor said it's only indigestion, but I

257
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:13,059
don't believe that. I believe it's more
than that. I've got pains.

258
00:18:13,060 --> 00:18:15,420
Burning pains all across me chest and
belly.

259
00:18:15,660 --> 00:18:16,940
Well, maybe it's worms.

260
00:18:19,220 --> 00:18:20,460
Worms? Not too loud.

261
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:22,520
A lot of fishermen live round here.

262
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,140
Is this what the doctors give you, then?
Yeah.

263
00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:30,420
Oh, must be good. It tastes horrible.

264
00:18:31,690 --> 00:18:33,920
That's because you're supposed to rub it
on.

265
00:18:33,921 --> 00:18:40,429
It says there, look, it says there
external, doesn't it? That is Latin for

266
00:18:40,430 --> 00:18:41,480
outside, that is.

267
00:18:41,481 --> 00:18:45,129
You've seen it in the pictures, haven't
you, up behind the jets there?

268
00:18:45,130 --> 00:18:46,180
Yeah, yeah.

269
00:18:46,181 --> 00:18:51,469
It's got quite a nice aftertaste, as a
matter of fact. Has it?

270
00:18:51,470 --> 00:18:54,489
I'll rub some on for you. What you
probably could do with, you know, a bit

271
00:18:54,490 --> 00:18:57,269
rest, that's what you could probably do.
Yeah, yeah. I wish I had a job, but I

272
00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:58,320
could have gone sick.

273
00:19:01,130 --> 00:19:04,270
Listen, what's these marks there?

274
00:19:04,470 --> 00:19:05,520
They're birthmarks.

275
00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:07,850
Look like beer stains to me.

276
00:19:08,290 --> 00:19:10,270
Of course they are, they're birthmarks.

277
00:19:10,490 --> 00:19:13,680
Well, how long have you had them then?
Since I was born, you twit.

278
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:16,110
Right, here, they're coming off.

279
00:19:16,111 --> 00:19:17,269
Are they?

280
00:19:17,270 --> 00:19:20,729
Here, that's an omen, that is. That's
the body's way of telling you it's all

281
00:19:20,730 --> 00:19:21,780
over, that is.

282
00:19:21,781 --> 00:19:25,509
I reckon you've got the same as that Alf
Pierce had, you know, all that weak and

283
00:19:25,510 --> 00:19:28,689
burning, what's -his -name, wobbly
thing, you know. Really? Who's Alf

284
00:19:28,690 --> 00:19:29,990
Alf Pierce, down the pub.

285
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:31,530
With a dog.

286
00:19:31,860 --> 00:19:32,910
Stuttered.

287
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:36,370
Dog stuttered?

288
00:19:37,420 --> 00:19:41,640
No, Alf Pierce stuttered, didn't he?
Only when he talked like, you know.

289
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:47,380
You must remember, you chipped in with
his funeral fund, didn't you?

290
00:19:47,381 --> 00:19:48,259
Yeah, I did.

291
00:19:48,260 --> 00:19:49,310
Funeral?

292
00:19:49,780 --> 00:19:50,830
Did he die then?

293
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:53,750
Well, I hope so. We got him in a nice
reef and everything.

294
00:19:53,751 --> 00:19:57,339
What's the matter? Are you taking a turn
for the worse, George? Yes, this is it,

295
00:19:57,340 --> 00:19:57,779
isn't it?

296
00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,710
It's the end of the road for me, this
is.

297
00:19:59,980 --> 00:20:01,680
I should never come out of this bed.

298
00:20:01,681 --> 00:20:04,839
Listen, I don't want to hear you talk
like that. There's nothing wrong with

299
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:08,499
You're fit as a fiddle. You're strong as
a proverbial watch name ox. You are.

300
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:10,839
Now, listen, I'll see you later. I'm off
down the road.

301
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:13,639
Where are you going, then? I'm going to
put my black suit in the cleaners. Oh,

302
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:19,300
go bloody... Oh, here's my... Here's
my... Here's my crash helmet down here.

303
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:22,070
Oh, that's what it is. I thought I'd
never seen one.

304
00:20:24,980 --> 00:20:27,870
I thought it was a new idea to have
straps on them like that.

305
00:20:32,450 --> 00:20:34,830
There's a bottle of beer on your side of
the bed.

306
00:20:34,831 --> 00:20:36,309
What's that doing there?

307
00:20:36,310 --> 00:20:40,040
Well, at the moment, it's lying inside,
pouring into your slippers. Oh, my.

308
00:20:42,350 --> 00:20:44,350
My one last little luxury, that's all.

309
00:20:44,351 --> 00:20:48,329
Here, I'll tell you something, Sid. See
that coat hanging on the door? Yeah.

310
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:49,380
That's yours.

311
00:20:49,550 --> 00:20:50,870
No, it's yours. No.

312
00:20:51,570 --> 00:20:54,460
I mean, when I'm taken from you, I would
like you to have it.

313
00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:58,009
Oh, no, I couldn't do that. Oh, go on,
go on. That would make me very happy. Go

314
00:20:58,010 --> 00:21:00,960
on now, let's see you. Let's see you try
it out. Go on, try it on.

315
00:21:01,190 --> 00:21:03,660
You can't half smell the quality, can't
you, eh?

316
00:21:05,130 --> 00:21:06,630
I'm from Savile Road, that is.

317
00:21:06,870 --> 00:21:09,520
Savile Road, you mean? No, no, Savile
Road, Brixton.

318
00:21:10,430 --> 00:21:12,350
Yeah, it's perfect, look at that, yeah.

319
00:21:12,450 --> 00:21:16,270
No, I think it's a bit in the roomy
side, ain't it, George? A little bit.

320
00:21:16,271 --> 00:21:18,889
I suppose it is. I can't understand
that, because it was supposed to be made

321
00:21:18,890 --> 00:21:19,940
measure, you know.

322
00:21:21,130 --> 00:21:24,450
Yeah, but this is probably measured in
inches. I'm centigrade now.

323
00:21:26,890 --> 00:21:27,940
Here,

324
00:21:28,030 --> 00:21:29,810
I've got one request of you, Sidney.

325
00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:33,820
When I go, I want to go in a Rolls
Royce. Yeah.

326
00:21:34,060 --> 00:21:37,859
I ain't never been in a Rolls Royce. No,
well, nor have I been in a Rolls Royce,

327
00:21:37,860 --> 00:21:40,639
George. Well, there we are. You see,
that'll be the first time for both of

328
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:41,179
won't it?

329
00:21:41,180 --> 00:21:43,020
And the last time for one of us. Oh.

330
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:49,799
I tell you what, when poor old Ralph
Pearce was put down, he only had a kind

331
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,420
station wagon kind of thing. Yeah.

332
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:52,880
When he went, was it quick?

333
00:21:52,881 --> 00:21:55,439
Oh, no, I only travelled about five
miles an hour.

334
00:21:55,440 --> 00:22:00,959
And when he passed by on the other side,
I mean, was he quick? Did he suffer at

335
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,620
all? Oh, no, he was here one minute,
gone the next.

336
00:22:03,621 --> 00:22:06,659
I mean, he was down in High Street,
stepped off the pavement, ambulance came

337
00:22:06,660 --> 00:22:08,950
round the corner, bosh, that was it, all
over.

338
00:22:08,951 --> 00:22:12,879
Ambulance? Yeah, it's been a lot,
really, being knocked down by an

339
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:16,399
Oh, blimey, you've been sitting here
watching me die, haven't you? What's the

340
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,260
matter? Take that coat off for a start.

341
00:22:18,261 --> 00:22:21,399
You're feeling better, then? Of course
I'm feeling better. Now I know he didn't

342
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:22,450
die of a stomach pain.

343
00:22:22,451 --> 00:22:26,249
Oh, it didn't die of stomach pain. The
stomach pain says years ago and it works

344
00:22:26,250 --> 00:22:29,150
out then. Six pints of brown ale, he was
right as rain.

345
00:22:29,151 --> 00:22:32,889
Where are you off to then? I'm down at
the pub to get me medicine. Come in. Oh,

346
00:22:32,890 --> 00:22:34,030
yeah, all right. Come on.

347
00:23:01,461 --> 00:23:03,389
Rupert Baird?

348
00:23:03,390 --> 00:23:04,890
Yes, that's correct. That's me.

349
00:23:05,610 --> 00:23:08,150
I wonder, could I have a word? I'm from
the BBC.

350
00:23:08,770 --> 00:23:12,649
I'm on the team of Nationwide. The story
is up there. Although your name is

351
00:23:12,650 --> 00:23:14,990
Rupert Baird, you're really Rupert
Baird.

352
00:23:15,270 --> 00:23:19,969
Well, there we are. My secret's out. I'm
glad for all our sakes. Come, let's sit

353
00:23:19,970 --> 00:23:22,620
down. The weather's fine. We'll have
some tea and cake.

354
00:23:23,071 --> 00:23:28,759
my mummy's name was Bear, she could have
called me Freddy.

355
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,470
She didn't want a girl or boy. She was
hoping for a teddy.

356
00:23:33,420 --> 00:23:38,039
So while she was expecting me, her
darling little Bruin, she just sat

357
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:40,340
Rupert's books and drinking Mother's
Ruin.

358
00:23:40,660 --> 00:23:44,619
I see. So when you came along, she
didn't think it funny to bring you up as

359
00:23:44,620 --> 00:23:46,760
Rupert Bear. By no means past the honey.

360
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:52,059
She dressed me in a yellow scarf and
trousers with big checks. She taught me

361
00:23:52,060 --> 00:23:54,180
to speak in rhyme and not to mention
sex.

362
00:23:54,810 --> 00:24:00,289
When we played Soldiers on the Lawn,
instead of Colonel Bogey, Teddy Bear's

363
00:24:00,290 --> 00:24:02,630
Picnic was our tune. You ask my brother,
Yogi.

364
00:24:04,830 --> 00:24:06,790
A brother? Oh, I didn't know.

365
00:24:07,030 --> 00:24:08,630
Oh, yes, in fact, I've two.

366
00:24:09,190 --> 00:24:12,150
One's hardly out of nappies. And what do
you call him? Pooh.

367
00:24:16,290 --> 00:24:20,070
My sister's 20, and she's become more
civilized, you'll find.

368
00:24:20,370 --> 00:24:22,900
I see. A sort of girl in front, but with
a bear behind.

369
00:24:22,901 --> 00:24:28,219
Her name is Sheba, and she wears a fur
coat, sleek and black. And when she

370
00:24:28,220 --> 00:24:30,390
she has been known to break a fellow's
back.

371
00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:34,859
But what of you? Do you ever dream of a
life more rich and fruity? Of lying on

372
00:24:34,860 --> 00:24:37,510
some bearskin rug with some young
bearskin beauty?

373
00:24:37,740 --> 00:24:40,450
Oh, no, I'm a good boy, and I do what
Mummy says I should.

374
00:24:40,900 --> 00:24:44,120
I eat my greens, and I avoid the fairies
in the wood.

375
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:49,860
Tell me, Rupert, do you have a special
sort of mother to bring you up this way?

376
00:24:49,861 --> 00:24:53,689
Why, no, she's just like any other, but
like all mummies and their kids, she's

377
00:24:53,690 --> 00:24:57,889
proud as proud can be. Come, let's go
inside and meet her, if you've finished

378
00:24:57,890 --> 00:24:58,940
your tea.

379
00:24:59,050 --> 00:25:03,889
Oh, here she comes. I've had my tea and
got a nice full tummy. This man's from

380
00:25:03,890 --> 00:25:06,240
Nationwide, and he's had all the honey,
mummy.

381
00:25:21,070 --> 00:25:25,349
The joke I'm about to tell you tonight,
I can say with complete confidence, is

382
00:25:25,350 --> 00:25:26,400
rather priceless.

383
00:25:26,401 --> 00:25:30,089
Now, I can say that, you know, because
we had it valued by Arthur Negus just

384
00:25:30,090 --> 00:25:31,140
before we came on.

385
00:25:31,930 --> 00:25:35,110
He put it in early 16th century and
possibly one of a pair.

386
00:25:36,690 --> 00:25:38,610
The other one is Bernard Manning's act.

387
00:25:38,710 --> 00:25:40,930
No, that's not true.

388
00:25:41,130 --> 00:25:42,830
No, it's not true. I'll be honest.

389
00:25:43,430 --> 00:25:47,040
This joke was actually told to me just
after lunch today by our producer.

390
00:25:47,180 --> 00:25:49,100
as he's being carried down from the bar.

391
00:25:49,101 --> 00:25:53,319
Incidentally, I'm not going to, I'm
making a little rule for myself, I'm not

392
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:56,990
going to make any unkind remarks about
our producer's drinking anymore.

393
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,850
Because I don't think you should mock a
man's religion.

394
00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:05,340
And he's rather a sad history in his
family.

395
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:08,360
He's had family troubles through
drinking.

396
00:26:08,361 --> 00:26:12,319
I mean, his father, for example, used to
suffer from an awful lot of hangovers,

397
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:15,820
and he was put on a course of Alka
-Seltzer tablets for six years.

398
00:26:16,970 --> 00:26:19,010
12 tablets every day for six years.

399
00:26:19,810 --> 00:26:22,100
One day he jumped into the bath and
dissolved.

400
00:26:24,470 --> 00:26:30,509
Now, having been told this joke at
somewhat short notice, I haven't

401
00:26:30,510 --> 00:26:33,669
time to try it out yet on the camera
crew. It's a BBC rule that before you're

402
00:26:33,670 --> 00:26:37,189
allowed to do a story on television, you
have to tell it to the cameraman first

403
00:26:37,190 --> 00:26:37,969
of all, you see.

404
00:26:37,970 --> 00:26:40,920
And if one of them laughs, you have to
go away and clean it up.

405
00:26:40,921 --> 00:26:45,999
It's like being back at school, really,
all the rules and regulations, you know.

406
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:50,239
Anyway, this story tonight is a little
football story, actually, so it's rather

407
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:54,210
nice because it'll appeal to soccer
enthusiasts and Fulham supporters alike.

408
00:26:54,660 --> 00:26:55,710
It concerns.

409
00:26:55,860 --> 00:26:56,910
It concerns.

410
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:01,070
It's a little bit too near Shepard's
Bush for that joke, I thought.

411
00:27:01,460 --> 00:27:04,919
Oh, sorry, excuse me if I seem a
little... I'm moving uneasy on this

412
00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:05,970
tonight, but...

413
00:27:05,971 --> 00:27:10,259
I'm a bit frightened that it might give
way under the weight because, well, I've

414
00:27:10,260 --> 00:27:13,759
had this, you may have noticed, I've had
this for 50 shows now and the legs are

415
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,879
starting to crack around the back here.
And I decided it was time, you know, for

416
00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:19,499
a new chair. So I went up to see the
BBC's head of comedy.

417
00:27:19,500 --> 00:27:22,739
Well, they call him the head of comedy,
actually. It's a man who sits behind a

418
00:27:22,740 --> 00:27:24,540
desk all day long with a false nose on.

419
00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:30,019
Once a month, he calls all the top
producers into his office, you know.

420
00:27:30,020 --> 00:27:31,400
watch his bow tie spin round.

421
00:27:32,780 --> 00:27:35,600
A little morale booster, I suppose.

422
00:27:35,601 --> 00:27:38,619
So anyway, I went to see him the other
day, and he said to me, he said, Archie?

423
00:27:38,620 --> 00:27:39,670
He said, Archie?

424
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:45,700
No, I forgot to tell you, he still
thinks, you know, I'm Archie Andrews.

425
00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:51,450
It's a little white lie I had to tell
him after last year's Christmas party.

426
00:27:51,451 --> 00:27:54,139
And he caught me sitting on his
secretary's knee with a hand up the back

427
00:27:54,140 --> 00:27:58,719
shirt. He said, if you want a new chair,
you have to put in a claim to the

428
00:27:58,720 --> 00:27:59,770
director general.

429
00:27:59,771 --> 00:28:02,699
So I did what he said. I wrote to the
director general about the chair being

430
00:28:02,700 --> 00:28:07,759
cracked. And the following day, he sent
me a tube of glue together with a memo

431
00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,300
which reads, it says, from the DJ.

432
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:15,079
That's what they call the director
general. He likes to call himself that,

433
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:16,130
DJ.

434
00:28:16,190 --> 00:28:19,740
Dear Mr. Corbett, he said, read your
complaint about the cracked chair.

435
00:28:19,810 --> 00:28:23,720
Please contact our props department, and
they will tell you where to stick it.

436
00:28:23,950 --> 00:28:28,890
Now, I thought that was pretty generous
under the circumstances.

437
00:28:29,110 --> 00:28:32,030
And as I say, this story... I shan't
linger on that very long.

438
00:28:32,350 --> 00:28:33,890
Careful where I put the glue.

439
00:28:34,510 --> 00:28:37,090
As I say, this story is about...

440
00:28:37,091 --> 00:28:42,569
It's about football, and it takes place
in the jungle, which is rather

441
00:28:42,570 --> 00:28:46,289
interesting. There's a bunch of insects,
and a few of the friends have

442
00:28:46,290 --> 00:28:50,249
challenged the elephants to a game of
football. And naturally, everyone has

443
00:28:50,250 --> 00:28:52,969
along to watch. You know, the local
cannibals are all sitting there on the

444
00:28:52,970 --> 00:28:56,490
touchline, eating their portions of
Kentucky Fried Missionary.

445
00:28:58,630 --> 00:29:03,390
And the gorillas are all lumbering
around with the scarves tied to their

446
00:29:03,450 --> 00:29:04,500
and out come the...

447
00:29:08,070 --> 00:29:14,289
Out come the elephants and the insects,
and the match begins. Now, it's a little

448
00:29:14,290 --> 00:29:18,969
bit of a dirty game, to be honest,
because after only 20 minutes, the

449
00:29:18,970 --> 00:29:21,200
have been booked for fouling three
players.

450
00:29:26,050 --> 00:29:28,650
Two spectators and 75 % of the pitch.

451
00:29:28,651 --> 00:29:33,749
And the insects, they just can't, the
insects just can't find the form. Well,

452
00:29:33,750 --> 00:29:37,149
they've all been out the night before
sampling the local talent, chatting up

453
00:29:37,150 --> 00:29:42,469
loose cockroaches and having a naughty
time at the Beehive of Ill Repute where

454
00:29:42,470 --> 00:29:44,190
they got stung for ten quid a time.

455
00:29:45,790 --> 00:29:51,760
They can't. Well, I'm sorry. They can't
get it together at all. By half -time,

456
00:29:51,761 --> 00:29:55,579
the elephants are leading 146 -0. At the
start of the second half, the insects

457
00:29:55,580 --> 00:29:56,630
make a substitution.

458
00:29:56,631 --> 00:30:00,019
They take off rather a slow snail at
left wing and put on a centipede.

459
00:30:00,020 --> 00:30:03,539
Well, the match begins again, and after
a few minutes, the insects are awarded a

460
00:30:03,540 --> 00:30:06,579
free kick. The elephants are all
standing there, bunched together, you

461
00:30:06,580 --> 00:30:08,690
a wall with the trunks between their
legs.

462
00:30:08,691 --> 00:30:13,599
The centipede takes the kick, slices
them all right through into the back of

463
00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:16,130
net. Well, from then on, the tide
completely turns.

464
00:30:16,131 --> 00:30:19,599
The centipede just keeps scoring and
scoring and scoring. All the other

465
00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:22,919
go wild. They're cheering, clapping
their mandibles together and wiping

466
00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:23,959
teeth.

467
00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:28,599
Eventually, the final whistle will go,
and the insects are won by 630 goals to

468
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:32,419
141. Afterwards, in the changing room,
the elephant's captain comes over to the

469
00:30:32,420 --> 00:30:35,339
blue bottle, who's the captain of the
insects, and he says, What I can't

470
00:30:35,340 --> 00:30:38,699
understand is why you didn't play the
centipede on the left wing in the first

471
00:30:38,700 --> 00:30:41,719
half. The blue bottle said, Well, you
see, as a matter of fact, it takes him

472
00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:43,830
whole of the first half to get his boots
on.

473
00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:19,339
Bringing in the hardest, bringing in the
cheese, bringing in the barley to the

474
00:31:19,340 --> 00:31:20,390
mill.

475
00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:25,939
Oh, the bats are in the belfry and the
woodworm in the eaves. It's harvest time

476
00:31:25,940 --> 00:31:27,500
I've had up on the hill.

477
00:31:28,500 --> 00:31:33,479
The vestry's full of veggies and his
pants is in the pews. There's lots and

478
00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:35,320
of pippins getting pipped.

479
00:31:35,900 --> 00:31:41,039
And old Dr. Digby's dealing with a
rather nasty bruise where the curate

480
00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:42,500
his collies in the crib.

481
00:31:47,790 --> 00:31:52,789
There's lots of lovely tourists who come
from far and wide. Quite old English

482
00:31:52,790 --> 00:31:54,190
hamlets fit the bill.

483
00:31:54,990 --> 00:31:59,849
We've led them under which wood and
rooked them on the side. We've done them

484
00:31:59,850 --> 00:32:01,710
down and had them on the hill.

485
00:32:02,710 --> 00:32:05,630
We've done them down and had them on the
hill.

486
00:32:13,100 --> 00:32:19,899
it's the season for birds and the bees
and the verger for heathen eccentric old

487
00:32:19,900 --> 00:32:26,419
sort removing his braces he rumps
through the daisies with daisies in

488
00:32:26,420 --> 00:32:33,049
where daisies don't alter In summer it's
hot and the verge is forgotten to

489
00:32:33,050 --> 00:32:39,929
keep his canonicals out of the sun. The
heat makes him dozy and wrinkled

490
00:32:39,930 --> 00:32:44,410
and rosy. He'll shrivel his posy before
he gets done.

491
00:32:49,180 --> 00:32:55,559
autumn is russet the verdure does cuss
it he's under his gusset while casting

492
00:32:55,560 --> 00:33:02,079
his clouts the winds in the autumn lowly
drown to short him but where the frost

493
00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:08,659
caught him it's withered his sprouts
it's chilly and freezes until he

494
00:33:08,660 --> 00:33:15,380
observes that his finger is cold as his
thumb he's hiding his hat sucks and lags

495
00:33:15,450 --> 00:33:20,389
in his castle but still he gets icicles
all round he's numb

496
00:33:20,390 --> 00:33:28,469
and

497
00:33:28,470 --> 00:33:34,949
our harvest supper there's beer for the
choir there's tea for the vicar and rum

498
00:33:34,950 --> 00:33:41,289
for the squire the squirey fell over
while carrying a pie when I cried that's

499
00:33:41,290 --> 00:33:43,530
our supper she said so I'm

500
00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:55,720
Knee -a -clackers she's dropped in the
lot.

501
00:33:55,940 --> 00:33:59,600
One night in the belfry she got rather
hot.

502
00:33:59,820 --> 00:34:03,400
And astounded the vicar by peeling the
lot.

503
00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:11,380
He's very short -sighted, he's old
Parson Brown.

504
00:34:11,679 --> 00:34:15,320
At christening he holds all the babes
upside down.

505
00:34:15,620 --> 00:34:21,459
And he gave one a kiss, he declared it's
got rather... A grin on its face and

506
00:34:21,460 --> 00:34:23,159
it's just like its father.

507
00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:27,739
Harvest home, harvest home, at St.

508
00:34:27,980 --> 00:34:31,659
John's without its harvest home.

509
00:34:38,500 --> 00:34:41,540
The bestie boy is decked with corn
and...

510
00:34:43,719 --> 00:34:47,460
Vicar's wife has been and gone and made
us look at Charlie.

511
00:34:47,679 --> 00:34:51,980
She's pinned some barley on her coats
and tied a weed. She browned our

512
00:34:52,120 --> 00:34:56,020
Very soon we'll get our oats. Hurrah,
hurrah, the harvest.

513
00:34:57,780 --> 00:35:02,080
Miss Jackson's homemade cowslip wine. It
states upon the labels.

514
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:03,540
It's vintage 1949.

515
00:35:04,180 --> 00:35:06,180
It takes the paint off tables.

516
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:11,699
Mother Fielder's got a rare display of
apples over there. But you should see

517
00:35:11,700 --> 00:35:12,750
daughter's pear.

518
00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:13,810
Hurrah, hurrah.

519
00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:20,580
is Mr. Keys, a man of many troubles.

520
00:35:20,940 --> 00:35:24,880
There's water in his pipes and he's
forever blowing bubbles.

521
00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:29,679
His bellows, they are real antiques. His
pump is full of squirts and squeaks. He

522
00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:31,500
sits among the peas and leeks.

523
00:35:47,140 --> 00:35:50,600
He sat down fast and squashed his grape.
Hurrah!

524
00:35:51,420 --> 00:35:54,940
He sat down fast and squashed his grape.
Hurrah!

525
00:36:37,410 --> 00:36:41,600
¶¶ A fellow called Stanley who's not
very manly is going to be Queen of the

526
00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:45,760
A fellow called Stanley who's not very
manly is going to be Queen of the May.

527
00:36:46,100 --> 00:36:50,979
And every time we make the hay and we
hold a village fate, there's homemade

528
00:36:50,980 --> 00:36:53,990
tarts and hoots and darts and guess
young Phyllis's weight.

529
00:36:54,140 --> 00:36:58,339
Young Phyllis's weight was eight stone
eight in February, March and May. Now

530
00:36:58,340 --> 00:37:02,639
she's ten stone three and it's plain to
see that she's been making hay. Yes,

531
00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:04,000
she's been making hay.

532
00:37:04,500 --> 00:37:06,120
She's been making hay.

533
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:19,320
Thank you.

534
00:37:56,620 --> 00:38:00,439
Well, thank you very much. That's really
all we have time for tonight, but

535
00:38:00,440 --> 00:38:02,320
here's a few items of late news.

536
00:38:02,321 --> 00:38:05,699
Yes, a clergyman in Cardiff today
announced his intention of driving

537
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:09,339
prostitution underground, which is very
bad news for the man in the street, but

538
00:38:09,340 --> 00:38:10,780
very good news for the miners.

539
00:38:13,060 --> 00:38:17,519
And we've just had news that the
director of the meteorological office

540
00:38:17,520 --> 00:38:20,890
resigned. His rheumatism had started to
disagree with his seaweed.

541
00:38:21,900 --> 00:38:25,210
The entire staff of Pickford's packed
the Albert Hall last night.

542
00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:28,470
Later, they all got drunk and gift
-wrapped Nelson's column.

543
00:38:32,220 --> 00:38:37,199
Finally, there's a shock conclusion in
today's report published by the Irish

544
00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:38,460
government's think tank.

545
00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:41,090
They've decided they're wasting their
time.

546
00:38:41,091 --> 00:38:47,219
In next week's programme, we'll be
meeting the lucky man who bought his

547
00:38:47,220 --> 00:38:50,739
-loving girlfriend's selections from
Shakespeare and got the complete works

548
00:38:50,740 --> 00:38:51,790
return.

549
00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:58,460
word with a gay gangster about his fairy
godfather.

550
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:01,320
Finally, a police message.

551
00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:05,359
Scotland Yard wished to trace a go -go
girl named Fifi who had a heyday last

552
00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:06,339
Day.

553
00:39:06,340 --> 00:39:09,679
She pulled a voodoo on a zulu and she
danced the can -can on a tom -tom

554
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:11,480
only a tutu with a pom -pom on her lulu.

555
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:16,250
She was last heard of having a bit of yo
-ho on a lilo up the Orinoco.

556
00:39:16,251 --> 00:39:19,629
Until next week, it's goodnight from me.

557
00:39:19,630 --> 00:39:24,180
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